Empathy

In this module we will review the difference between empathy and sympathy and how to appropriately use empathy in working with our students.

People often see empathy and sympathy as the same or interchangeable terms. While they may have similarities, empathy can be defined as the ability to understand and put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Sympathy, on the other hand, is feelings of pity or sorrow for someone else’s misfortune.

Sympathy is often appropriate in situational circumstances such as the death of a loved one; however, in chronic circumstances like living in long-term trauma or a chaotic home life, using sympathy can lead to adults lowering expectations and further victimizing the traumatized individual.

When educators are empathetic, it allows the child to know they are being heard. Even though we may not fully understand what the child is going through, as educators we can recognize the situation is hard, unfair, and awful for the child to endure. Often the behavior displayed by the child is normal for the ordeal the child is dealing with; however, by communicating with the child and believing they can rise above the circumstances by making healthier choices, the child has the opportunity to have a better life. This sends a powerful message of hope to the child.

Being empathetic can be as simple as not lecturing or using anger when setting a boundary. It is focusing on using calm and kind body language, maintaining high expectations, and simply letting the child know that what they are going through is unfair. Using Empathy allows the child to no longer feel the intense need to explain the circumstances because they feel supported by the adult. This can help the child relax, move to problem solving when appropriate (identify triggers, toxic thoughts and coping skills to manage intense emotions and change behavioral choices, etc.) and take responsibility for their behavior.

Steps to Show Empathy & Unconditional Positive Regard:

1. Validate the child’s concern or problem. For example, “What you’re going through is really hard and unfair.”

2. Normalize the behavior and feelings. For example, “It is normal to feel and act this way when such and such happens; however, this behavior is not healthy. We are going to set up a plan to support you in making better choices.”

3. Move to Solution Based Conversations when appropriate (more about this later in the chapter).

4. Maintain accountability and expectations.

An educator’s purpose is to move children from the victim mindset into problem solving and overcoming difficult situations. This process is not a one-time occurrence. Children with severe emotional and behavioral challenges will need this process multiple times as they are growing and learning.

From Healing Discipline: Bringing Hope to Shattered Lives; A book for Educators


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